I’ll Show You Mine… If You Show Me Yours
Dr. Jenni Skyler of the Intimacy Institute
I think it’s safe to say that we are a compulsive society and all of us are obsessed with something. At CU, the obsessions tend to be skiing at Breck, or mountain biking the Mesa Trail. Some are obsessed with Happa’s happy hour, and others live for frozen yogurt at the Boulder Chill. As long as your obsession doesn’t take over your life, then you are in ‘good shape’.
But many of us feel handcuffed to our obsessions, especially the electronic ones. How many times a day do you email? How many times an hour do you text? Our society operates electronically, but there comes a point when we have to ask ourselves if we are more intimate with our gadgets than we are with our loved ones? That might mean divorcing your iPhone so it doesn’t chaperone you and your bed-buddy to the inner chambers of your dorm room.
Or it might mean divorcing Facebook.
There is a magical magnetism to Facebook that seems to exacerbate our inherent and neurotic need to exhibit ourselves. I’m guilty as charged. I have a personal Facebook page and a fan page for my business, and I have no shame about either.
A recent survey by Oxygen Media posted astounding statistics about women’s compulsive use of Facebook (http://www.geekosystem.com/facebook-addiction-women-oxygen-media-study/). Of 1,605 women surveyed about their daily routines regarding social media (Facebook, Twitter, and texting), 34% of women reported checking Facebook in the morning before even brushing their teeth. Even more remarkable is how nearly 50% felt completely comfortable posting personal information, including inebriated shots of self and friends.
What is it about our human condition that needs to always post what we are thinking, eating, or wearing? Why do we need to show the public our plethora of picture albums documenting our life experiences? Do we not exist unless others externally reinforce our ego?
On the flipside, there are many of us who compulsively check Facebook (or BuffSecret.com) to lurk into the lives of others. Similar to exhibitionism, our social conditioning has groomed us to be voyeurs both in and out of the bedroom. Facebook voyeurism satiates our morbid curiosity to see when other people are giving past partners too much attention. Facebook voyeurism satiates our need to see old high school friends acquiring wrinkles at the same rate we do. Mostly, Facebook voyeurism satiates states of boredom. This is why we are drawn to the internet in the first place. The Triple A Engine theory states that the allure of the internet is due to access (it’s there all the time and it never says no), anonymity (the computer screen masks our identity), and affordability (it’s free).
Like lurking through old flames on Facebook, we can prowl porn sites with the same level of access, anonymity, and affordability—and some let us be exhibitionists at the same time!
ChatRoulette.com, for example, is a website which pairs random strangers for webcam-based conversations. The site offers further insight, and evidence, into electronic exhibitionism and voyeurism.
One anonymous ChatRoulette user (ACRU), a single, heterosexual male from Boulder, claims he was initially drawn to the site for its entertainment value. “You get to be totally anonymous as you randomly connect to people all over the world.”
ACRU occasionally uses the site when he masturbates. “The majority of users are dudes sitting around, and of those, a good percentage are masturbating. It gets a little frustrating for me because I have to wade through a lot of guys before I come across a girl; but I like the excitement of exhibitionism and to see what type of people will stop and watch me masturbate.”
It would seem like exhibitionism is the norm on site like ChatRoulette, but voyeurism is particularly more prevalent. ChatRoulette gets criticized for the large numbers of men who seem to employ the site as a place to parade around their aroused genitals as if they are novice porn stars. However, they do so in the dark little rooms as they simultaneously stare at others on the opposite screen.
ACRU believes that the sexual draw of internet voyeurism is because the experience is in real-time, “like porn with real people.”
Whether you are seeking internet sex, or internet friendship, as long as your proclivity of professional prowling or electronic exhibitionism stays firmly in the fantasy of your electronic medium, chances are you will be safe (at least from a legal perspective). But remember, life is about finding the right balance. If your minutes spent online outweigh time spent face-to-face or outside on the ski hill, then you may want to reassess your use of electronic technology. Just a thought.
