Does Age Matter?

Dr. Jenni Skyler of the Intimacy Institute

“I am 21 and I am in love with a 17 year old boy. Is something wrong with me?”

This may sound cliché, but age is a matter of mind. Human beings mature, progress, and operate in the world at different speeds. The number of years one has been alive is no indication of that person’s level of intellect, emotional maturity, or sexual prowess.

That said, age range does indicate a general level of life experience. Someone born in the 1960’s versus the 1990’s is going to have experienced the world through the lens of that particular political and cultural climate, thus potentially affecting the social scripts by which they operate. Whew, big sentence there. In more simplistic terms, the woman born in 1960 will have been a teenager in the era of “free love” and the first wave of women’s rights; whereas a woman born in 1990 will have been a teenager in the era of technological boom and electronic courtship. Sex may have a very different meaning for these two women. And yet, one woman can evolve to function fabulously in the current era, and the other can study history to have an understanding of times past.

But what if the age gap is less significant? The question above asks about a 21 year-old female and a 17 year-old male. Notice I said “female” and “male” rather than “woman” and “boy.” Perhaps the two persons in question are emotional and intellectual equals. Perhaps they are sexually compatible and satisfied socially. Perhaps they both enjoy beautiful sunsets and trips to the wax museum. Perhaps they enjoy cuddling and kissing after a long hike in the mountains together.

Does age matter then?

It’s a personal question with which every human being must grapple. Society gives us messages that we must not date persons in born before or after a certain calendar date. Law tells us that those in adolescence are off-limits to those in adulthood (and to some degree, this helps create boundaries for those who have none). But sometimes it may be helpful to toss out society’s prescribed age scripts.

I say, if there are enough layers of intimacy and connection, then give it a try.

Recalibrating Your Sex Drive

Dr. Jenni Skyler of the Intimacy Institute

One day I had the most sex drive of any girl I knew. Awesome sex all the time, multiple orgasms, it was awesome. Then I woke up one day and it was gone. For weeks now, I just haven’t been interested. Sucks for me, and my boyfriend doesn’t know what to make of it. Is that normal?

Yes, you are normal. Very normal! No matter what your age or gender, sex drive (aka sexual desire) is always fluctuating. Hour by hour, day by day, decade by decade. Just as your general body energy peaks and drops based on if you’ve slept enough hours or eaten enough food, your sexual energy—that which feeds and nourishes your drive and desire—can vacillate.

Common circumstances that can lead to peaks or valleys in your sex drive include: stress, fear, fatigue, anxiety, unexpressed anger, relationship boredom or conflict, low-fat diets, body image unease, sexual abuse triggers, alcohol, drugs, and various medications (especially antidepressants).

My suggested sex solution includes a holistic approach to enhance sexual health. To lower cortisol levels—your stress hormone—make sure you are exercising daily and practicing the rule of eight: eight glasses of water, eight hours of sleep. Also add in mindfulness. Mindfulness is basically moving from a state of automatic pilot to a state of greater awareness, often found in the form of yoga or meditation. Make sure you are eating enough good fats to maintain the lipid levels needed to fuel your sex hormones (i.e. testosterone for sexual response). Because sexual health is part of general health, also consider supplements such as fish oil and vitamin D.

With regard to your relationship, ensure you have time, privacy, and a comfortable and sensual ambiance. Use lots of lube, practice your kegels religiously, throw in a few bites of dark chocolate, add a sex toy or two, and of course, communicate your needs, wants, fantasies, and fears with your partner. Lastly, don’t expect to have mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic sex all the time. When we expect it and look for it, there is no space for it to naturally and organically unfold.

Good luck and enjoy the ride of the rollercoaster!

Sunday Sex Talk with Dr. Jenni: Virginity

Dr. Jenni Skyler of the Intimacy Institute

As you may have noticed, we get quite a few secrets dealing with the issue of virginity.  For the first edition of Sunday Sex Talk, Dr. Jenni shares her perspective on the subject:

Virginity is a valued commodity that you can hold and cherish until you find that right person. But rather than looking outside of yourself, I suggest you look inside.

You don’t need to wait around for Mr. Right to have a stellar sexual relationship. YOU are Mrs. Right, and the first sexual relationship you should fully engage in is with yourself. Once you feel and believe that you are your own perfect partner, you will find that you naturally attract potential partners who can meet you where you need to be met. Don’t sit around and wait for someone else to take your virginity. Give it when you are ready…when you have fully explored your own topographical body map and all the sensual secrets it holds.

This post was inspired, in large part, by this secret,

BIO:

Jenni Skyler, PhD, MSEd is a sex therapist and board certified sexologist. She is the Director of The Intimacy Institute for sex and relationship therapy in Boulder, Colorado. She holds a doctorate in Clinical Sexology and a Master of Education in Counseling Psychology. She has worked in the field of sexual health as a therapist, educator, and public health consultant since 2005 and writes for www.sexualhealth.com and Sexy Shabbos with Dr. Jenni.



We’ll Do It Live

Love Bill O’Reilly?  Hate Bill O’Reilly?  There’s not much room in between, but someone’s secret has started a little debate between the lovers and the haters…

No matter how you feel about him, or his politics, I think everyone can agree that this video of him losing it way back in the day is absolutely priceless.  Take it away Bill…

What A Week

It’s been a quite a week for Buffsecret!  First, on Wednesday, it was a thrill to be mentioned in the same breath as Postsecret.com on the NPR radio program On Point with Tom Ashbrook. His guest was Frank Warren, founder of Postsecret, and Frank directly responded to a Buffsecret, calling it a “powerful confession”.  We hope that Frank appreciated what he heard, and we look forward to the opportunity of working with him in the future.  You can listen to a podcast of the program by clicking here!

The fun didn’t stop there, as we received our greatest honor yet on Thursday night at The Jed Foundation’s 8th annual gala.  Our video was given an honorable mention in the Jerry Greenspan Student Voice of Mental Health Award, and simply being invited to this special event was an honor in and of itself.  Congratulations to the winner of the contest Adam Taylor, and to our co-honoree Melissa Hopely!  Here’s a picture of all of us with Carol Greenspan, Founder of the Jerry Greenspan Award in honor of her son…

Stay tuned, there’s much more to come!

I’ll leave you with this secret that’s sparked an interesting debate about religion…

What do you think???

Recycle, Recycle, Recycle…

This secret has sparked an interesting debate on whether the costs and processes associated with Recycling actually do more harm than good…  What do you think???

2) 6/2/09 – Look into how things are recycled. In certain situations the total cost (including effect on the environment) is greater for recycling than making something new. Some of us actually have our reasons for throwing stuff away rather than recycling it…

Living the Dream

Do you ever fantasize about being the star of your graduation?  Check out our friend Geordy as he took the stage in Arizona, and tell us your secrets about graduation…

Enjoy!

Join the discussion!

Since this secret has been posted, it has generated some good substantive conversation.  Please add your thoughts, and remember to keep it respectful.  Comments such as the one below are extremely beneficial to the entire community. Thanks!

7) 6/1/09 – I know what you mean… but whats better is not ever having to worry about someone hearing me purge. Because i don’t need to anymore. i never thought i’d get here but i have. i’m recovered and you can too if you seek help…

Welcome!

The Buffsecret blog is coming soon…